I didn’t lose a friend, I just realized I never had one.

[The body hold on to trauma longer than your mind does]

As the lockdown slowly eases up and we are about to enter a new world of normalcy which is great and all. But travel is still pretty restrictive, until we can all travel and meet again, I’ll hold on to my celebration. Baby steps. I’m taking it day by day. News are still ever changing and we still have to stay open to changes.

While we were forced to stay indoors for the past 10 weeks as everything was abruptly close. The biggest lesson and take away was doing the ugly ‘inner work’ that I’ve been avoiding for the past 15 years. It’s not easy to talk about but it’s something I’m constantly understanding and untangling as I continue with this inner work healing from past pain and trauma.

Optimal health is not what you put into your mouth. But also learning, self-awareness, sleep, emotional well-being, feeling your fricking feelings, grounding, movement and weaving through trauma and before being able to let go of an emotion. We must first be aware of the emotion, recognise it, give it space..

The body hold on to trauma longer than your mind does. Your mind is wired to protect you from negative memory, so I’ve locked that part of pain away for so long that my heart is still hurting because I never got to verbalise it. When trust and betrayal happened to you when you’re 15. You tend to put the blame on yourself without question. Hence, if something bad were to happened today, my defense and immediate response was to not disappoint others and make it as inconvenient for myself as much as possible and to take blame even if it wasn’t my to take.

I cherish friendships so much it took everything out of me.. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But in any kind of friendship or relationship, you have the right to put your emotion first before others. You’re allowed to feel and express your emotions or pain. You have the right to your experience – even if it’s different from that of other people. You have the right to say no; saying no doesn’t make you selfish.

I’ve let go of the deed but there is still fear in me lingering from the trauma of betrayal and trust. I’ve at peace of being alone because I’m not lonely anymore.

I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.

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